I live. I am human. I am a teenager. I am a guy. I live for something greater. I struggle with the basics. I groan at the usual. But I keep living to do what has been asked of me.
You can call me Speedy.
I'm here to reach out to the ones I love and care for. Once in a while I'll get sentimental, or deep, and probably blog something like it.
My life has simple aims, and a difficult path to them. I deal with it the best I can.
I am Speedy. I am Christian, but do not fear me, for I will love you regardless. I guess this is the chance for anyone who cares, to see the depths of my mind, and everything it holds, dark or bright. Happy or sad.
Read my thoughts or leave them, they are yours to criticize.

Posts Tagged: hate

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The whole world judges us.  But they don’t know us.  They don’t understand us.  They’ve never been us.  And those who claim they have, and left, are lying.  The vow we take is one that can never be broken, and is one we never want to break.  The true love we feel and give out freely is the greatest thing that the human mind could even begin to imagine.
You call us out, and you base the mass of us on the errors of one.  I am here to personally say sorry for that person, for perhaps the fake who takes what we are in vain, or the one of us who became confused and hurt in a world that gave no comfort. 
But please, don’t tear us down, because you simply don’t know us.  Where in history has anything good ever come of that?  Do you really feel so good about yourself when you spit at us, and call us every vile name you can think of, simply because we cannot reach the perfection you expect of us.
We may be Christians, but we are still human.  We still make mistakes.  The whole purpose of our faith, the whole purpose of Christ and his love, was because we make mistakes.  Without our mistakes, there would be no Christianity.  I wouldn’t be here writing about this love that is cursed at by those who do not feel it.
I ask you as a peaceful warrior, to think before you speak.  You may tear us down for one thing after another, but you fail to look at yourself.  What gives you the right or the superiority over us, to call us down for our smallest of failures… for the tiniest of misunderstandings. 
You spit at us, because you don’t know us.  You curse us, because you don’t understand us.  You hurt us, because you want to forget us… but you can’t.
And all that time you spend taking out your anger on something you can’t understand, all we WANT is for you to understand.  To take that one moment, and humble yourself for a few seconds to hear us.   To understand and feel this love.
We love you while you hate us.  We care for you while you push us away.
We will be there for you, when you abandon us.  
And every night, we pray that the day will come when you no longer hate us, push us away, or abandon us.  We pray the day will come when you can stand next to us, smiling, and understanding who we are, because you are who we are.
We wait for the day, when you stand beside us, fighting a hateful world with the greatest weapon man has ever known…
Love.

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Okay… so I haven’t truly checked my tumblr in a few days… and as small as that seems… it’s actually kind of a big deal… and threatening…
see… after I missed out on one whole day… i was scared to check it… because I have this amazing tendency to check EVERYTHING that’s been posted since the last time I was on….  obviously I can’t do that now without breaking tumblr… because although Im only following like… some 40 people… my dashboard fills up fast…

but yeah alot of crap happened…. the last few days and I keep thinking… oh imma post about this… or imma post about that…. but I never got to it… and I can’t remember much….
the one thing I do remember is I was gonna talk about how much fun it is to clean piss stains off the bottoms of toilets… (cleaned the bathrooms this Sunday) oh joy….

but I do have one thing I want to ….
(total reasonable break…) i looked down and one of those white moths was on my shirt…. staring at me….  I had a HOLY FRAEKING $*@#$ moment….. and I just smooshed it…
poor moth….
( i am not making that up at all ^ the blood stain is on my shirt…)
anyway…. I wanted to talk about one thing…
whole family went to the pool this afternoon.  Our neighborhood is hella big…. supposedly one of the biggest in Missouri (i said supposedly)… and we have two pools for it.  We went to the theme pool (which is fancy term for the pool where all the kids go because its hella shallow (three feet or shallower everywhere except for one small five foot section)  and has a water playground and lazy river and such… but I digress…. 
THERE IS A DEEP THOUGHT HERE… its coming… I swear…

but naturally… we go there… and there’s kids every five feet (THATS WHY THE WATER WAS SOOO WARM….. OHHH…)
(that’s not the deep thought ^)

but I swim for a bit with my little sis and taker around the river and crap…. and then I go sit down and am pretty much done and just chill in the sun…. and after about ten minutes of my mp3… i rage because its outta juice and I hate myself for forgetting to recharge… so I pull out the MO Driver’s manual and start studying and kinda listen to the stuff around me while I’m reading.  and that’s when I look up and not too far off there’s these kids within easy earshot sitting on the edge of the lazy river (it was adult swim…)  and they are all just talking and one of em is randomly shooting water off with his water gun.  Now… the oldest kid in this group was a thirdgrader… which was the guy with the water gun… everyone else was a year or two younger…
so there’s a few of these girls sitting there talking… and then I start focusing on this one little girl… and I listen to her voice and immediately recognize this tone I hate more then life itself.  The tone of one of those just straight out dittsy girly girls who is all nasal and doesn’t know left from right)
And Im sitting there at first… and quite honestly i’m like… wtf? she’s freaking six (maybe seven)  How does she even know how to sound/act like that????

and THEN…. oh god… then I start listening to what she’s saying… and I pick up the words “WELL SHE’S NOT INTO YOU” (and yes with the attitude you would expect from those words) and then I hear the third grade kid and he’s like yeah…. blah blah blah… and I realize that these EARLY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL kids are talking about relationships….
again…. another WTF? moment….
What on God’s wonderful green earth could they POSSIBLY know about relationships.  Seriously?!!??!

And then I end up listening/watching that one ditsy girl for the rest of the while we’re there and I swear… It’s not stereotyping if she’s playing her freaking part.  She was like that the whole time…. just full of attitude.  SHE’S SIX YEARS OLD!?!?!? HOW!??!?!?! WHY!!??!?!?!  She even got snooty with my sis.  She was walking up asking to play with them (she’s only four) and there was this one littler girl with them and the ditsy girl is all like… “Well yeah, you TWO can go play together… OVER THERE…” and even does this little sweeping hand motion

Wooooooooowwwww………

My point in all that mess of a story… I’ve always heard and read and seen stuff about kids growing up faster and faster these days… but I honestly never thought it was THIS bad.  I mean… this isn’t a suicide story of a ten year old… but it still is an earth shaker to me (btw I slept through a 4.8 earthquake last night)
I heard/saw other kids today too… I saw this five or six year old boy cussing like a sailor.  I saw two young boys talking like they were locker room buddies.  I mean…. it all looks so wrong.  We have Elementary kids trying to be High Schoolers!!??!? 
honestly where does this stop?  How do they even know to act like that?  I mean… is it our media?  Is it the state of American families?  Government? school?  idk… it’s sad though… and very oddly disturbing.

Every time I hear about an extremely young girl getting pregnant… I cringe.  I mean…. think about it… the responsibility and severity of pregnancy… and nowadays girls as early as 11 years old can get pregnant?!??!  That’s horrible!!! That’s sick!!!  WHO SUPPORTS THAT KIND OF BULL!!!!!!  For real… I’m getting lose here… but I’m being serious… ITS ALL FREAKING CRAP!!!
I HATE THIS WORLD…. I FREAKING HATE IT!!!
Every day I see another reason why suicide is so logical to some people.  I’m not saying Im suicidal… but I don’t blame them for it anymore.  There’s so much sick shit in this world.  I can’t describe it any other way.
It’s morale-less, Godless, and heartless.  It makes me sick.  sick to my stomach.

But yeah… Im sorry for raging… and making this epic long post.  And sorry for not being on the last few days (if you actually care that is, or have read this far for that matter)
But thanks to my new followers! (:  thanks to all you people who follow me in general.  And thank you world for being so jacked up I can write a book in a tumblr post about how you corrupt our youth.  yeah…..

i think I should bury this moth 0.0  it looks so sad and dead sitting here on the floor…..

XDD

night Tumblr! :D
God Bless

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I had a thought today.  It made me feel sick.
What if the rapture had happened today?  What if in “the twinkling of an eye.”  All ‘christians’ disappeared. 
I thought today and then I realized… I think I’d still be here.

My life is a lie.  If you’ve ever looked at me and said, “that guy is a christian”
you were lying to yourself, much like i was lying to myself.  I try to be a Christian.  Every Christian tries to be a Christian.  But sometimes I look at myself and a thought screams in my head with a rage unbound.  HYPOCRITE!  YOU HYPOCRITE! LIAR!

Do you realize how sickening that sound feels? I feel like I’ve been shot.  My knees buckle.  I fall down.  I cry.  It’s sick.
I say things I shouldn’t say.  I think thoughts I shouldn’t think.  And I do things I shouldn’t do.  I’ve done things I wish and know I should have never done. 

I’ll sit there and talk to some people, and I’ll spat a few words about Christianity and morales and blah blah this.  And then… I can literally turn around, and be somebody completely different.  I’ve done it on here even.  I HATE IT!!!! I HATE IT SO MUCH!  It makes me want to pull something out of me that I can never reach.  I want to grind my face to the wall just so I can try and find something that hurts more then this. 

I’ll sit there, and freaking convince myself, God will forgive me for it later.
WHAT IS THAT?  WHAT. IS. THAT????

I treat God like a rental service.  I hate myself for it.  I truly hate myself.  I could be so much more, and I act like so much less.

I want to try and change it.  I mean.  God can only give so many second chances…

:/ im not sure.  when i first thought about this post, it seemed there was a brighter side to it…  now I just hate myself more.
I’ve cried so much these past few months.  I’ve made so many mistakes.

I’m sorry. For everything.  To everyone.  I’m sorry.  i don’t know.

I’m done.

Goodnight Tumblr
God Bless

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Despite all the things there to make me happy.  Despite all the things I feel God is doing to distract my thoughts.  Despite all of it… despite the fact that it’s been five weeks.
I still break inside.  All I have to do is see that smile once, that face just look at me once, say one thing in their happy voice, and I’m destroyed inside. 
I love it, and I hate it.
I melt into memories, and I can barely focus on my work.  But then I realize… those are probably the only memories I’ll get… and that they probably won’t be relived.
I die inside.  It still hurts.  What’s worse is I think I’m the only one hurting…

I told you.
You didn’t believe me.  You told me it would never happen.

You lied.  Now I’m right.  And sometimes… I wish I had never brought it up.  Being right hurts so much more then being wrong.  I’m sorry.  For everything.

Goodnight Tumblr.