I had a thought today. It made me feel sick.
What if the rapture had happened today? What if in “the twinkling of an eye.” All ‘christians’ disappeared.
I thought today and then I realized… I think I’d still be here.
My life is a lie. If you’ve ever looked at me and said, “that guy is a christian”
you were lying to yourself, much like i was lying to myself. I try to be a Christian. Every Christian tries to be a Christian. But sometimes I look at myself and a thought screams in my head with a rage unbound. HYPOCRITE! YOU HYPOCRITE! LIAR!
Do you realize how sickening that sound feels? I feel like I’ve been shot. My knees buckle. I fall down. I cry. It’s sick.
I say things I shouldn’t say. I think thoughts I shouldn’t think. And I do things I shouldn’t do. I’ve done things I wish and know I should have never done.
I’ll sit there and talk to some people, and I’ll spat a few words about Christianity and morales and blah blah this. And then… I can literally turn around, and be somebody completely different. I’ve done it on here even. I HATE IT!!!! I HATE IT SO MUCH! It makes me want to pull something out of me that I can never reach. I want to grind my face to the wall just so I can try and find something that hurts more then this.
I’ll sit there, and freaking convince myself, God will forgive me for it later.
WHAT IS THAT? WHAT. IS. THAT????
I treat God like a rental service. I hate myself for it. I truly hate myself. I could be so much more, and I act like so much less.
I want to try and change it. I mean. God can only give so many second chances…
:/ im not sure. when i first thought about this post, it seemed there was a brighter side to it… now I just hate myself more.
I’ve cried so much these past few months. I’ve made so many mistakes.
I’m sorry. For everything. To everyone. I’m sorry. i don’t know.