Life comes at us fast. We all gotta be faster.

Flyleaf — I’m So Sick

Empty prayers falling out your mouth.
Jesus said it better and He didn’t have to shout.
Maybe if you change it you can get your way.
Just rearrange it and you can get paid.
A little more money comes in every day.
Faith and five dollars goes a long way.
Look at your pockets filled up with gold
But what’s in your heart is making you cold.

I’m sick of all your lies
(It’s who you are)
We see through your disguise

All that I see when you start to cry.
Is the rock on your finger and gleam in your eye.
Your sad story is making me sick.
So change the channel cause it’s getting thick.

Blind accusations are all you can say
but you’ll say anything as long as you’re paid.
Look for their weakness, you feed on their need
But behind your eyes is nothing but greed.

I’m sick of all your lies
(It’s who you are)
We see through your disguise

None of your dreams come true
(It’s time you know)
You can’t sell the truth

You party and dine with the fattest of swine
But your stink can’t hide behind closed doors
Get your hands off my face, I won’t shudder and shake
What you’re selling, I won’t buy anymore…

Why do you lie to make me love you?
Is it your insecurity?
Have fun with all your misguided words
Cause you will always be… LIAR!!!

I’m sick of all your lies
(It’s who you are)
We see through your disguise
None of your dreams come true
(It’s time you know)
You can’t sell the truth

Liar!

Fireflight — Liar

It makes me tired and sick.  I can literally shed tears about it.  All the vile depression in this world.  All the hatred, violence, and loss of hope.  It makes me SICK.  I want to fight it.  I want to fight every ounce of it.  I have a hatred for hatred itself.  I want to watch it die under my feet.  Every last ounce of it.  All the sick people out there, all those hurting, all those lost.  Everyone who is plagued day and night by the horrors of humanity.  I WANT TO KILL IT ALL!  I want to be the one who can step in and just shove a sword through hatreds missing heart.  I want to remove the head of sickness’s vile body.  I want to DESTROY IT ALL.  It makes me sick.  I seriously pray to God that he would give me the ability, the right, SOMETHING.  ANYTHING.  I SHED TEARS OVER THIS.  I just read a post from a kid promising to commit suicide tomorrow.  It makes me sick!!! IT ALL MAKES ME SO DAMN SICK!!!!!!  Not him, but what he’s plagued with.  The hatred, the depression.  The lost feeling he has.  Like he’s alone.  IT MAKES ME SO SICK!!!! ALL OF IT.  I WANT TO KILL IT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  EVERY OUNCE OF IT.  Why do so many people have to be stricken so hard?   WHY WON’T IT DIE!  I WANT IT TO DIE!  I WANT TO WATCH IT DIE!  I WANT TO BE ITS KILLER! 

It makes me so unbelievably sick.  It makes me angry.  I sit here, and get so angry at this world, at the vile people in it, and at all the corruption and vileness it contains.  Its become normal now, its become standard.  SUICIDE is something common now.  ITS COMMON!!!!!!

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT IS SO SICKLY WRONG WITH THAT FORSAKEN IDEA!?!??!?!
IT SHOULDN’T BE COMMON!  GO INTERVIEW A DANG HIGHSCHOOL.  ALLL THIS CRAP! ALL OF IT.  SUICIDE, DEPRESSION, BULIMICS, CUTTERS…. All these despicable, horrible, vile things.  AND ITS ALL COMMON! ITS ALL EXPECTED.  ALL OF IT IS THERE, AND ITS MEANING AND SEVERITY IS MISUSED AND ABUSED ON DAMN TEXTBOOK PAPER!!!!  SCREW THAT! SCREW IT!!!!!!!  INSTEAD OF HELPING THESE PEOPLE… WE JUST SIT HERE AND TALK ABOUT THEM LIKE THEY’RE A LAB EXPERIMENT?!??!?! YOU WONDER WHY THE HELL THE WORST BECOME WORSE!?!??! NOBODY WANTS TO HELP THEM. JUST SIT THERE AND STARE AT THEM LIKE SOME FREAK OF NATURE.  ITS SO DAMN S.I.C.K.

I’m fighting myself just not to type the f word here.   I become so unbelievably raged all of these things.  It makes me sick.  I want to kill it all.  All the evil in the world.  All the hatred, all the depression, all the hopelessness. 

I just want people to be happy.  I want them to smile.  See some light in the midst a hellishly dark earth.   I want to see them LIVE!  Not just breathe and walk, but LIVE!!!  That’s all I want for them.  I want to be the person who can help them.  I want to be the one who destroys all their problems.  I want to be the one who can turn to them and just in a word, make them remember a reason to be happy.   THAT’S ALL I WANT!!! THAT’S ALL I’VE WANTED!! I PRAY TO GOD HE’D GIVE ME SOME MEANS TO DO SO!!!!


Because every day, I wake up, and I go through the day, and when I get home, and I lay down in bed and think.  I hate it.  I hate it all.  I grow a barely containable rage for all the darkness in this world.  ALL OF IT.  It makes me so angry.  How sick and vile our world is.  It’s why I don’t sleep.   IT MAKES ME SO SICK. 

I WANT TO KILL IT ALL!  I WANT TO!!!
I WANT TO MUTILATE THEM, BURN THEM, AND LEAVE THEIR METAPHORICAL BODIES TO ROT.  EVERY LAST VILE IDEA AND FEELING THAT PLAGUES THIS WORLD.  I WANT IT ALL DEAD.

I. WANT. TO. KILL. IT. ALL.

Okay… so I haven’t truly checked my tumblr in a few days… and as small as that seems… it’s actually kind of a big deal… and threatening…
see… after I missed out on one whole day… i was scared to check it… because I have this amazing tendency to check EVERYTHING that’s been posted since the last time I was on….  obviously I can’t do that now without breaking tumblr… because although Im only following like… some 40 people… my dashboard fills up fast…

but yeah alot of crap happened…. the last few days and I keep thinking… oh imma post about this… or imma post about that…. but I never got to it… and I can’t remember much….
the one thing I do remember is I was gonna talk about how much fun it is to clean piss stains off the bottoms of toilets… (cleaned the bathrooms this Sunday) oh joy….

but I do have one thing I want to ….
(total reasonable break…) i looked down and one of those white moths was on my shirt…. staring at me….  I had a HOLY FRAEKING $*@#$ moment….. and I just smooshed it…
poor moth….
( i am not making that up at all ^ the blood stain is on my shirt…)
anyway…. I wanted to talk about one thing…
whole family went to the pool this afternoon.  Our neighborhood is hella big…. supposedly one of the biggest in Missouri (i said supposedly)… and we have two pools for it.  We went to the theme pool (which is fancy term for the pool where all the kids go because its hella shallow (three feet or shallower everywhere except for one small five foot section)  and has a water playground and lazy river and such… but I digress…. 
THERE IS A DEEP THOUGHT HERE… its coming… I swear…

but naturally… we go there… and there’s kids every five feet (THATS WHY THE WATER WAS SOOO WARM….. OHHH…)
(that’s not the deep thought ^)

but I swim for a bit with my little sis and taker around the river and crap…. and then I go sit down and am pretty much done and just chill in the sun…. and after about ten minutes of my mp3… i rage because its outta juice and I hate myself for forgetting to recharge… so I pull out the MO Driver’s manual and start studying and kinda listen to the stuff around me while I’m reading.  and that’s when I look up and not too far off there’s these kids within easy earshot sitting on the edge of the lazy river (it was adult swim…)  and they are all just talking and one of em is randomly shooting water off with his water gun.  Now… the oldest kid in this group was a thirdgrader… which was the guy with the water gun… everyone else was a year or two younger…
so there’s a few of these girls sitting there talking… and then I start focusing on this one little girl… and I listen to her voice and immediately recognize this tone I hate more then life itself.  The tone of one of those just straight out dittsy girly girls who is all nasal and doesn’t know left from right)
And Im sitting there at first… and quite honestly i’m like… wtf? she’s freaking six (maybe seven)  How does she even know how to sound/act like that????

and THEN…. oh god… then I start listening to what she’s saying… and I pick up the words “WELL SHE’S NOT INTO YOU” (and yes with the attitude you would expect from those words) and then I hear the third grade kid and he’s like yeah…. blah blah blah… and I realize that these EARLY ELEMENTARY SCHOOL kids are talking about relationships….
again…. another WTF? moment….
What on God’s wonderful green earth could they POSSIBLY know about relationships.  Seriously?!!??!

And then I end up listening/watching that one ditsy girl for the rest of the while we’re there and I swear… It’s not stereotyping if she’s playing her freaking part.  She was like that the whole time…. just full of attitude.  SHE’S SIX YEARS OLD!?!?!? HOW!??!?!?! WHY!!??!?!?!  She even got snooty with my sis.  She was walking up asking to play with them (she’s only four) and there was this one littler girl with them and the ditsy girl is all like… “Well yeah, you TWO can go play together… OVER THERE…” and even does this little sweeping hand motion

Wooooooooowwwww………

My point in all that mess of a story… I’ve always heard and read and seen stuff about kids growing up faster and faster these days… but I honestly never thought it was THIS bad.  I mean… this isn’t a suicide story of a ten year old… but it still is an earth shaker to me (btw I slept through a 4.8 earthquake last night)
I heard/saw other kids today too… I saw this five or six year old boy cussing like a sailor.  I saw two young boys talking like they were locker room buddies.  I mean…. it all looks so wrong.  We have Elementary kids trying to be High Schoolers!!??!? 
honestly where does this stop?  How do they even know to act like that?  I mean… is it our media?  Is it the state of American families?  Government? school?  idk… it’s sad though… and very oddly disturbing.

Every time I hear about an extremely young girl getting pregnant… I cringe.  I mean…. think about it… the responsibility and severity of pregnancy… and nowadays girls as early as 11 years old can get pregnant?!??!  That’s horrible!!! That’s sick!!!  WHO SUPPORTS THAT KIND OF BULL!!!!!!  For real… I’m getting lose here… but I’m being serious… ITS ALL FREAKING CRAP!!!
I HATE THIS WORLD…. I FREAKING HATE IT!!!
Every day I see another reason why suicide is so logical to some people.  I’m not saying Im suicidal… but I don’t blame them for it anymore.  There’s so much sick shit in this world.  I can’t describe it any other way.
It’s morale-less, Godless, and heartless.  It makes me sick.  sick to my stomach.

But yeah… Im sorry for raging… and making this epic long post.  And sorry for not being on the last few days (if you actually care that is, or have read this far for that matter)
But thanks to my new followers! (:  thanks to all you people who follow me in general.  And thank you world for being so jacked up I can write a book in a tumblr post about how you corrupt our youth.  yeah…..

i think I should bury this moth 0.0  it looks so sad and dead sitting here on the floor…..

XDD

night Tumblr! :D
God Bless

I had a thought today.  It made me feel sick.
What if the rapture had happened today?  What if in “the twinkling of an eye.”  All ‘christians’ disappeared. 
I thought today and then I realized… I think I’d still be here.

My life is a lie.  If you’ve ever looked at me and said, “that guy is a christian”
you were lying to yourself, much like i was lying to myself.  I try to be a Christian.  Every Christian tries to be a Christian.  But sometimes I look at myself and a thought screams in my head with a rage unbound.  HYPOCRITE!  YOU HYPOCRITE! LIAR!

Do you realize how sickening that sound feels? I feel like I’ve been shot.  My knees buckle.  I fall down.  I cry.  It’s sick.
I say things I shouldn’t say.  I think thoughts I shouldn’t think.  And I do things I shouldn’t do.  I’ve done things I wish and know I should have never done. 

I’ll sit there and talk to some people, and I’ll spat a few words about Christianity and morales and blah blah this.  And then… I can literally turn around, and be somebody completely different.  I’ve done it on here even.  I HATE IT!!!! I HATE IT SO MUCH!  It makes me want to pull something out of me that I can never reach.  I want to grind my face to the wall just so I can try and find something that hurts more then this. 

I’ll sit there, and freaking convince myself, God will forgive me for it later.
WHAT IS THAT?  WHAT. IS. THAT????

I treat God like a rental service.  I hate myself for it.  I truly hate myself.  I could be so much more, and I act like so much less.

I want to try and change it.  I mean.  God can only give so many second chances…

:/ im not sure.  when i first thought about this post, it seemed there was a brighter side to it…  now I just hate myself more.
I’ve cried so much these past few months.  I’ve made so many mistakes.

I’m sorry. For everything.  To everyone.  I’m sorry.  i don’t know.

I’m done.

Goodnight Tumblr
God Bless

So… Imma post a story… completely original… directly here… just for you people… because… well hell… I have absolutely nothing better to do besides dwell on regrets and read teen driver manuals.

Shadows and darkness.  Guilt and confusion.  He lay there, curled up like a child, under the dark ocean that consumed him.  He stared at nothing, the blackness of the ocean around him.  His mind raced, overwhelmed with the thoughts of what he’d done.  Everything he didn’t do.  His gut wrenched out of him.  He felt sick.
“Not again!” he pleaded in a scream, piercing the perpetual silence of the ocean.  He tore himself from his bed, tossing the ravaged ocean of covers off the bed.  He bolted for the bathroom door, losing his footing on an empty pill bottle, and falling forward.  He landed halfway through his bathroom door, hard on his stomach, his head smashing sideways onto the bathroom floor.
“Fuck!” he moaned.  He felt the first warm trickles of blood snake down his left ear.  He didn’t care. He crawled by his hands in a desperate move for the toilet.  He dragged himself from the floor by the rim of a toilet, and released all tension in his body as he hung his head over the rim. 
There he remained for fifteen minutes, releasing everything and nothing.  He felt so sick.  The regret he was burdened with, was too much for his physical being, and was slowly tearing at his mental being.  He hadn’t eaten in days… nothing came from his mad run for the bathroom.  He only gagged, choking more on tears than his own throat. 
He eventually found the strength to stand.  He stood over his sink, staring dreadfully at the sink.  The stains of blood were still there.  He cringed.  His mind went black, preparing to rape his world with dark memories.  He shook himself, screaming, and slammed his head into the door behind him. “NO!” he cried in his mind.  Fear piercing his backbone, he tore his eyes from the blood stained sink and looked into the mirror before him.
He suddenly wished he had kept staring at his sink.  The face he saw in the mirror defied everything that was “human.”  This was not the face his friends knew.  It was not the smiling face of the family pictures, laying in shattered glass throughout his kitchen.  It was not the face of the man who stood smiling on his senior prom year, next to the most beautiful girl.  “That girl… that…” 
He broke down.  His knees buckled under the weight of guilt, the weight of grief.  He fell to the bathroom floor on his knees, and stared at the bathroom floor behind the veil of tears.  His sobs pierced the dead silence of the tiny apartment. 
How he wished this pain would leave.  He begged for peace, begged for comfort.  But nobody could comfort him.  Not his friends, not his family, no smoke, no drink.  Not even pain, could relieve his darkest of wounds.  If only she could be there.  She always had comforted him.  She had always…
WHAT WAS HE THINKING?  She would never come back.  She was gone… gone forever…
and it was all his fault… HIS FAULT. 
Why… WHY DIDN’T HE SEE IT!?!
The thoughts marauded his mind.  He could not silence them.  He screamed.  Pain coursed through his body.  His breathing stopped, his chest tightened.  His heart raced and his head throbbed.  Every limb numbed with shock.  He looked up, and saw a face.  He saw a beautiful face, smiling.  His screaming became louder, overwhelmed with his demons.  The face twisted before him, clenched teeth, scowling eyes… everything changed until the face was a mirror of his own, screaming at everything before it.  He screamed until his voice could not shed any more sound, until his throat went dry, and nothing but the silent exhalation of air poured from his silently screaming face.  He dropped his head, tears streaming down his face, down his neck, mixing into the sea of sweat that coursed along his chest.  His breathing became heavy. 
He was so hot.  Sweat was everywhere.  He hurt so much, he could feel nothing.  His mind was overwhelmed, he thought nothing.
He slowly rose, dragging himself up by the frame of the door.  He stumbled across his room, to the lone table at the foot of his bed.  He picked up a picture, and stared at it, long and hard.  He read the letters and numbers scribbled in the bottom corner.
Overcoming the image of the beautiful girl of the picture, stood the words “R.I.P. Whitney, 01/17/10.”
He stared at it for a few minutes, before the phrase “I’m sorry,” was silently mouthed across his lips.  He layed a kiss gently on the photo, and set it down on the table.
He slowly turned, and began stepping towards the sliding glass door at the other end of the room.  He pulled aside the curtains and opened the door, stepping out onto a tiny outcropping that had barely enough room for him.  He moved forward to the tiny fenced edge, which barely came up to his waist.  He inhaled deeply, sucking in the fresh silence of the night.  He looked out in front of him.  In the distance, he saw the skyscrapers of the city, the lights of cars and houses.  From his fifth story apartment position, he could hear the sounds of cars silently moving through the empty suburban cascades of the night.  He saw the few poor stragglers who walked among the sidewalks at this time of the night.  He saw no beauty in this view.  He took no enjoyment in this air of night.  All he could see was her, and all he could hear was his own screaming.  He looked down at the gutter trench, far beneath his balcony, dipping just below street level.  He closed his eyes.
A peaceful regret overcame him.  “If I could not save her, than I cannot save myself.”  He thought, with an overwhelming finality.  He pushed against the balcony fence, and opened his eyes.  Staring again, at the deep black trench below.  
It was the last thing he ever saw.


It was 3:27 a.m. on a cold Monday morning, on the suburban outskirts of Chicago.
The date was 4/13/10.

Michael Thomas was reported dead later that morning by the apartment manager at around 8:17a.m., his body found lying in the gutter trench below his apartment balcony. 
____________
This story is entirely fictional.  No characters or references are intended to have any direct relevance or connection to real world people or events.  It was merely a story I decided to write.  Reblog or share if you want.  I honestly don’t care.  Call it your own and turn it in for an English project if you want.  It’s just something I wrote, and something I will gratefully forget.