I had a thought today. It made me feel sick.
What if the rapture had happened today? What if in “the twinkling of an eye.” All ‘christians’ disappeared.
I thought today and then I realized… I think I’d still be here.
My life is a lie. If you’ve ever looked at me and said, “that guy is a christian”
you were lying to yourself, much like i was lying to myself. I try to be a Christian. Every Christian tries to be a Christian. But sometimes I look at myself and a thought screams in my head with a rage unbound. HYPOCRITE! YOU HYPOCRITE! LIAR!
Do you realize how sickening that sound feels? I feel like I’ve been shot. My knees buckle. I fall down. I cry. It’s sick.
I say things I shouldn’t say. I think thoughts I shouldn’t think. And I do things I shouldn’t do. I’ve done things I wish and know I should have never done.
I’ll sit there and talk to some people, and I’ll spat a few words about Christianity and morales and blah blah this. And then… I can literally turn around, and be somebody completely different. I’ve done it on here even. I HATE IT!!!! I HATE IT SO MUCH! It makes me want to pull something out of me that I can never reach. I want to grind my face to the wall just so I can try and find something that hurts more then this.
I’ll sit there, and freaking convince myself, God will forgive me for it later.
WHAT IS THAT? WHAT. IS. THAT????
I treat God like a rental service. I hate myself for it. I truly hate myself. I could be so much more, and I act like so much less.
I want to try and change it. I mean. God can only give so many second chances…
:/ im not sure. when i first thought about this post, it seemed there was a brighter side to it… now I just hate myself more.
I’ve cried so much these past few months. I’ve made so many mistakes.
I’m sorry. For everything. To everyone. I’m sorry. i don’t know.
Despite all the things there to make me happy. Despite all the things I feel God is doing to distract my thoughts. Despite all of it… despite the fact that it’s been five weeks.
I still break inside. All I have to do is see that smile once, that face just look at me once, say one thing in their happy voice, and I’m destroyed inside.
I love it, and I hate it.
I melt into memories, and I can barely focus on my work. But then I realize… those are probably the only memories I’ll get… and that they probably won’t be relived.
I die inside. It still hurts. What’s worse is I think I’m the only one hurting…
I told you.
You didn’t believe me. You told me it would never happen.
You lied. Now I’m right. And sometimes… I wish I had never brought it up. Being right hurts so much more then being wrong. I’m sorry. For everything.
so I’ve been away from my tumblr for quite a few days… FORGIVE ME! PLEASE DON’T HATE ME!!! HATE IS BAD! IT’S HATEFUL!!!! <—totally overacting drama
i’m slightly hyper-ish… so no depressing stories or realistic realizations tonight… sorry XP my mind is raped by homework and these stupid questions over Fahrenheit 451, which of course is THE BEST BOOK EV-AR! -.- (no)
I swear… what the hell world??? Freaking America wonders why the hell teen suicide and self harm is through the roof??? HAVE YOU SEEN THE STUFF THEY MAKE US READ?!!?! For real, I can’t think of a single happy story I’ve read in my two years of high school now. IT’S ALL THE MOST DEPRESSING CRAP!
Of Mice and Men
Lord of the Flies
Romeo and Juliet
Animal Farm (that one wasn’t as bad… actually my favorite yet, but still bad ending)
I mean you read any of this crap and it’s all like, PAIN, DEATH, SADNESS, DEPRESSION, OPPRESSION…. OH LOOK PRETTY FLOWER! oh wait no… it just got stepped on, or maybe even crush by a meteorite, that would be reasonable…. and much more entertaining then talking about cannibal children, pyromaniacs, or suicidal lovers…
I mean… it’s stupid. IS IT THAT HARD TO FIND A HAPPY STORY!?!?!
Anyway… i guess you did get some deep thought though… lucky you :D
Anyhow, my life lately? not that you care… pretty much bleh, fighting grades, fighting parents, fighting my alarm clock (little blue devil), and fighting old feelings.
well hell now i sound like my english class… where’s the happy again? XD
Good stuff? Lots of new friends… fun times with friends… brighter views on life lately… and the gentle letting go of old feelings… (i’m sorry)
What else…. hmm… oh by the way…. if you’re still reading… freaking highfive… you deserve it, you get one. :D and maybe a flower…. that’s not crushed by a meteorite. (I’m a bit edgy from sugar, ignore my dumb jokes XP)
Oh, I came up with a couple of Christian Metal songs in my head last night… and they actually made sense, sounded really good (to me at least). But like all my other grand ideas… it was the middle of the night and I was too lazy to write anything down. win.
most of it is forgotten now XD
I’m going to shut up now. If you’ve read all of this, you’re awesome, and I love you. But I love you people anyway, so it’s all good, not that that’s creepy or anything XP
THANK YOU NEW FOLLOWERS FOR FOLLOWING. :D 19 Followers makes me feel special inside.
I’ll probably come up with something nice and depressing or thought provoking later this week, and post some good moozik with it. Night Tumblr Peepz. God Bless (: